The Secret Episode
by Smelling Margaret
Summary: "Why'd you not use the Old Gregg ending to party?"  "Well, see, it was initially going to be a two part thing..."


**A/N:** **I had a dream some time ago about "a secret Boosh episode". After thinking about it for a while, it was probably the episode that was supposed to be the follow up to Party. I never actually saw it in my dream; it was just a journey to get to it. It made me want to write about it, though. For those that know (where have you been living, in a Chinese pipe?), the pencil case girl was supposed to turn out to be Old Gregg. Anyways, without further ado, the secret Boosh episode.**

**Disclaimer:** **I've got a secret plot. I'm going to get famous, get Noel Fielding to fall in love with me, and then steal the Boosh. Or just the first two. Or the first one. Which ever I can get.**

Vince weaved his way through the crowd, holding on to the hand of the girl he'd met. He still didn't even know her name. They made their way to Vince's room opposite of Howard. He could hear the bed squeaking through the thin walls.

_So Howard has finally lost his virginity,_ Vince thought to himself. He was still a little upset about Howard turning him down, but it's not as if Vince was _really_ in love with Howard.

"Vince! Vince!" Vince heard Howard scream from the other room.

Vince stiffened, his cheeks blushing slightly. Was Howard screaming _his _name out while he was having sex?

"Are you alright?" the girl asked, sitting down on Vince's feathery bed.

_Wait a second, Howard's not screaming my name out in _ecstasy_, he's screaming my name out for _help_._

"I've got to go help Howard!" Vince said, walking quickly to the door and opening it.

"What? So you're leaving me here all alone?" the girl asked, getting up and putting her hands on her hips.

Vince looked back over to Howard's door and then at the girl. "Howard can wait," Vince said, closing the door back up.

XXX

Howard called out desperately for help. Vince's name, of course. Vince was the only one of these "Camden elite" that actually would care enough to help him. And that's saying something. He just hoped that he was somewhere close by. He was going to die.

"Howard, why are you yelling? We could make sweet love together," Old Gregg said, caressing Howard's hair.

"Yeah, I'd prefer if we didn't," Howard said, jerking his head away from Old Gregg's hands. He wanted to run away but he couldn't because he was tied down to the bed.

Howard thought he could hear something coming from Vince's room. It sounded like a girl screaming out in ecstasy.

_Good, that means that Vince's in there, _Howard thought, getting ready to call out to Vince again.

"Aren't you glad that you didn't go to help out that weird jazz creep now?" asked the girl, panting.

Vince laughed hoarsely. "Yeah," he groaned out.

"I'm gonna kill Vince," Howard said, anger bubbling inside him.

"See, your wife doesn't like you," Old Gregg said snidely., digging two shoes out of Howard's closet.

"Vince isn't my wife," Howard snapped.

"Oh, yeah? I've seen you two. I've seen the roof times," Old Gregg said as he poured Baileys into the shoes.

"It was just a momentary lapse," Howard said, eyes darting around nervously.

Old Gregg grabbed the shoes and handed one to Howard.

Howard looked at the chains binding his arms. "Cheers," he said.

XXX

"Hey Dennis," Naboo said, forgetting all about Dennis' idea to kill Vince.

"Hey," Dennis said with a blank expression on his face.

"Hello sweetheart," said Dennis' wife.

Dennis turned his gaze toward his wife. "I think we should get a divorce," he said.

"Why?" Methuselah asked, confused.

"Because I'm gay."

"When did that happen?" Naboo asked.

"About thirty minutes ago. I've got a migraine. I'm going home."

Methuselah followed him silently away.

Never was Naboo gladder that he was asexual.

XXX

"Anyways, I better go save Howard before he hurts himself," Vince said, chuckling quietly as he put his clothes back on and fixed his hair.

He walked out of the room ad headed next door to where Howard was, opening the door. His eyes grew wide and he turned away.

"Ugh. I didn't need to see that," Vince said, making gagging noises.

"Vince, help me!" Howard yelled as he got raped by a merman with a vagina.

"I'm just gonna go get Naboo," Vince said, keeping his eyes adverted.

"No, Vince, help!" Howard screamed.

"I'm not gonna help you get your penis out of a sea monster's vagina. I'll be back. I promise. Well, I won't but you know, Naboo will, maybe, if I can convince him. Later," he said, pulling the door closed, hearing Howard's screams in the background.

XXX

Naboo had managed to get everyone out of the flat by threatening to use a potion on them. In Heinz sight though, it was just Lucazade.

Vince walked into the room with a slightly disgusted look on his face.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Bollo said, taking the hookah from Naboo.

"What's the matter?" Naboo said in an irritated tone.

"Howard's being raped by a sea transvestite."

Naboo looked over at Bollo and shook his head.

"I'll sort everything out," Naboo said.

"Cheers, Naboo. You're a diamond," Vince said as he followed Naboo to his room where he got out a potion.

"This potion will make him hate the first person he sees. Get the sea monster to drink it and hate Howard."

Vince grabbed hold of the bottle. "Thanks, Naboo. I owe you one."

He walked over to Howard's room and braced himself for what he was about to see. He opened the door very slowly as to not see it all at one time. He soon swung the door wide open when he saw that Howard and Old Gregg weren't there.

"Fuck."

**A/N:**** The ironic thing is that I was watching the Mighty Boosh Q&A where that girl asked why they didn't keep Old Gregg in. I didn't mean to watch it, though, but I haven't watched the seventh disk of the special edition DVD in a long time and I didn't remember where any of the things were. Apparently the episode wasn't funny enough so I believe my story will be up around that alley. XD The quicker y'all review, the quicker I'll update, by the way, and it makes me extremely happy to see someone review so please do. Please. **


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